I have a pointless bathtub.

Remember my stupid sink? Well I have since moved house… and also countries but let’s not get into that. The point is, we are once again wading into a pool of plumbing problems. A subject that I still know nothing about. But I am sure my current bathtub is pointless. I will try to explain why.

When evaluating the efficacy of something you understand nothing about, it helps to really get into the nitty gritty. Really challenge your assumptions on said topic. So let’s clear our minds of all knowledge or preconceptions of baths and tubs. Let’s consider, what is a bathtub?

(n) a large container for water, used for immersing and washing the body.

Google

Now let’s apply this definition to my current bathtub. We have three facets to explore, the container aspect, the immersion possibilities and the washing function. In my sink post, it was at the container aspect that evaluation ceased and a judgement was made. But this time I need to explore further.

Question 1: Is my bathtub a large container used for water?

Yes. It is.

This was actually one of the selling points when I decided to rent this flat. Two bedrooms and TWO bathrooms? At this price point? And the downstairs bathroom has a bath?!! And I am STILL geographically in the UK?! Swoon.

It’s a glorious bath. It is definitely large and it can contain things. So question 1 is easily answered. Yes. Yesyesyesyesyes.

Question 2: Can I use it for immersing my body?

You’ve arrived at the meat of this meandering.

The bathtub barely fills before the water turns glacial.

Story within a story time.

I wanted to do something nice for my partner because he is amazing and works very hard to be amazing at home and also at his actual job and that sort of thing should be rewarded. Especially as he is someone who doesn’t always treat himself. So I made this whole big thing about how I was going to treat him after discovering he was having a particularly difficult day at work. I began by screaming “YOU’RE AMAZING” and “I LOVE YOOOU” at random intervals throughout the day which he could hear from any room in the house. You know, to butter him up. I brought him random treats, made nice food and then it hit me: a bath. He loves baths. I should surprise him with a bath.

Then I realised I couldn’t surprise him with a bath because noise is a thing. So I informed him to be ready to relax and assumed the bathtub noises would adequately feed and inform his anticipation.

So there he was, sitting on the sofa after work, his anticipation being fed and inform by the gurgling tap. Then he heard a wail of despair from below.

I was wailing.

The bathtub was les than half-filled. The water was glacial. The bubbles pathetic.

So can I use this bathtub to immerse my body? No. Can I use it to immerse my partner’s body? Nay. Naynaynaynuuu

Question 3: Can my bathtub be used to wash oneself?

So there is a shower installed. The water is warm. You can stand and hang your head in the water stream, sadly thinking of what could have been. It’s a technical possibility.

You could also fill the bathtub as much as can be expected in this whole miserable situation and feebly splash around but why would you do that? Expect better for yourself. You have greater value than this. You’re not a toddler.

I refuse to explore this question any further. Standards matter.

Question 4: Is this the bathtub’s fault tho?

I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to make me think about plumbing. You sneaky devil.

Based on my ignorance, I postulate that this is all related to water pressure tanker spanner cogs. Yep. Them cogs.

Ok, maybe the tub itself is not at fault. Perhaps the tub is just the side of the story my dumb civilian brain can see. It’s a nice tub. It’s well designed and pretty. It has potential. It is being failed by the flat it was installed in. Pity the tub.

This is why rather than the rage I felt for my stupid sink, all I have for you is disappointment at a pointless bathtub. Pointless. Unfilled. Unfulfilled. Tubby.

Anyway this was just a quickie post as I have been AWOL and will get back to writing longer things soon. Very little is happening to me in the twilight zone we call The Covid Times which means I need to blog about my bathtub.

Share your condolences in the comment below.

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