Lately, a few thoughts have occurred.
Ultimately the major inconvenience of my life tends to be meandering thoughts that empty out into a vast ocean of turgid oblivion.
There…lost in the salinity of my overall potential what were once fresh ideas and newly realised approaches towards life stagnate as they spiral downwards to the gloomy depths of my mind.
I feel cobwebs in my brain. And not the terrifying “there’s a spider in my brain” type cobwebs, although that was once a very real fear to my seven year self who dramatically called out to her Lord whilst on hands and knees reprimanding the thoughtless, penetrable design of the human ear.
No these cobwebs have gathered in my mental space and settled quite happily. There are also some on my printer incidentally…
And in the centre of my living room.
My life is a sitcom that I am too lazy to write.
I think there is something to be said about the desire to learn. Words like “admirable”, “remarkable” and “g’awww” dazzle my mind most prominently. But desire alone is something that isn’t tangible and isn’t concrete. It’s easy to keep a conversation going with “I will” and “I plan to” but all you get is an empty pat on the back that leads you to continue letting the fresh gems of creative endevour flow down the path to oblivion.
It doesn’t help that I have two novels, a TV show, a foreign TV drama, 2 blogs and possible YouTube channel in the cobwebs. Plus a dynamite screenplay for a remake of all the Harry Potter films because that just needs to happen. No, I don’t care about your defence of the films. They are bad and you should feel bad.
That said there have been recent endeavours to navigate a healthy approach to Uncomfortable Ideas. This may be a sign of Adulting, given my age and general disenchantment. Uncomfortable Ideas can be a myriad of things: donating clothes overseas is not a sustainable form of charity, recycling may not be enough – the world is doomed, some people don’t vaccinate, some people think second-hand clothes are shameful, many people actively engage in anti-intellectualism through a circle-jerk process known as “Oh don’t worry, nobody is good at x”, doctors can’t be trusted, doctors can be trusted, etc can be a lazy thing to say.
The list goes on. And this is not to say I have not actively engaged in processing and understanding Uncomfortable Ideas. I am well aware that cultural diversity, history, geographical isolation/integration, difference in education levels and our generally instinctive, animalistic nature leads to a defensive VS idealistic way of living. This is fine.
The difference now is that I am meeting people that have Chosen Sides. What used to be conversations acknowledging Uncomfortable Ideas have now become in depth rationales for various sides.
This leads to a strange wake-up call that, in all honesty, I should have predicted would occur. One cannot remain clothed in idealistic notions of humanity and expect there to be no repercussions. And contrary to what may be going through your beautiful mind well-informed reader, this is not simply a matter of age. Everyone has trigger points and things they stand behind; these could be things they’ve recently begun researching or things that have been in The Media (please note this term is VERY, VERY undefined – as a Media Studies graduate my personal peeve is the lack of definition of this phrase VS its continued ubiquitous use in society).
I am not suitably socialised within this structure of thoughts and opinions coupled with facts that I often cannot combat as I have not heard them and my counter-facts do not necessarily fit into the same paradigm. Often I find myself as though in a crowded room full of people talking in dissenting, understanding or downright passionate voices only to finally shout out my frame of mind once the room has gone deathly quiet for some reason that, again, my socialisation has not adequately explained. Ultimately, it is embarrassing and my own animalistic instincts kick in screaming “I MUST KNOW ALL THE THINGS!!” which leads to the aforementioned desire for knowledge.
The fragmented state of my ideals are a very active interference by myself to deconstruct the cosy bubble in my mind and attempt to not remain all “super Zen” about society and its political, environmental and technological structures but rather gain and consolidate information about them in order to be a well-informed, functioning member of society.
Increasingly, however, this desire to be Adulting all over the place is met either by mojo-affecting apathetic individuals or overly passionate individuals with whom I cannot keep pace. This is not to say I feel inferior, for I am bloody fantastic, but rather to say small smidgens of internal insecurity tend to lead to withdrawal.
Trying to jumpstart what is a lifelong process of balancing idealistic notions about what we as people are on a cosmic scale and the nitty gritty of what we need to accomplish as individuals for a sustainable future tends to be haphazard in these early stages of trying to brush away my mental cobwebs.
However, I do try. I read more and Facebook less. Try to gain facts whilst knowing they are not permanent. Keep opinions free flowing but not so much as to lose my sense of self. And most importantly, try not to have a mental breakdown when confronted by a world and its many inhabitants.
Or join my mailing list. I post irregularly because employment. I promise I don’t have time to spam you.
Or read some recent posts that I am quite proud of:
- My senior cat’s daily routine (includes monster poos and dog beds)5 minutes of descriptive prose of my new cat’s first week with me.
- the Olympics is when I revel in my ignorance of all sports.800 words of confused Olympic joy.
- Do you ignore your tea until it gets cold?3 min quickie about when your tea goes cold. Heavy journalistic stuff. Proceed with caution.
- I took a week off work, but it didn’t change my life.5 min read about expecting too much from yourself because #alwaysbehustlin’
- My Sunday evening: doomscrolling, taking offense and yogaQuickie 2 min read about that dread you feel every Sunday evening.