if you have followed the smattering of posts I’ve written since I started this pathetic endeavour you’ll have noticed I tend not to apologise. In fact I retreat so far within myself that I delude my mind into thinking my insecurities and flaws perform some positive function in my confused existence. They don’t. But all this leads me to say that the main thing you might’ve noticed, but not really because I just need an excuse for a post, is that I tend not to apologise for things that seem to have this aura that demands apology.
Oh I openly admit my flaws and tend to loathe anyone whilst simultaneously holding this shallow veneer of human appreciation and respect, but I don’t feel remorse.
To be frank, feeling remorse and apologising is quite a pooey thing.
Now I realise that that statement can be grossly taken out of context and used to hurt me in many ways but let me explain.
I am useless.
But the thing about uselessness is that if you are aware of the precise nature of your pathetic inability to function in this world, you tend to be able to function in this messed up hybridised fashion. You will never be like the Normal Ones but they’ll see you as this exotic specimen worthy of praise for your abstract methods. They will applaud and throw labels at you as you dance for their amusement.
The hell is wrong with you today?! Be normal!!
NO! Never Other Me! I am fantastic!! Mwahahhaa!!
Sophie… has life broken you?
Yes but that was a while ago.
No what you are witnessing is pure unfiltered shamelessness. I have two weeks left until unemployment and I would like to share something I have learned about myself in my time at university.
Here’s the thing…
As I have referred to in the past, I am completely unable to be punctual. And don’t tell me to go to bed on time or to have a study schedule, or to do 1000 words a day and I’ll have a novel written in a yea- SCREW YOOOU NONE OF THAT WORKS! I swear I do not understand the minds of people who work consistently, who keep to plans. They say they’re useless unless they have a plan, well then I am perpetually useless. And I struggled with this my perfect reader. I truly struggled. Even the most useless, last minute, struggling people I know were better than me. They at least would know what they’re doing with their lives.
Am I just stuck in this cruel twist of fate where I have all this thinking, all this awareness of the world, this ability to criticise, to discuss, to have passion for my growth as a person, yet I cannot get out of bed before noon?
Mr. God you are mean.
But then I realised… how do I put this… Other Me you were there! Help!
Your flaws are only your flaws if you refuse to accept them. You can spend all your time feeling an imbalance with the world or you can learn to work within the framework of the lifestyle you have unwittingly forged.
Yeah I’m pretty good when under pressure. The moment I get stressed I work like the Flash and manage to get everything done to a pretty high standard. The only problem here is that I tend to leave things until I feel pressured enough to do them.
For some stress is a weakening quality holding them back from seeing any positive outcome of what is affecting them. It is a dead weight dampening their thoughts and hindering free thought.
Understandable but screw that. I believe the triggers in my brain are arranged in reverse and moments of blind panic produce in me this fantastic rush of adrenaline heightening my ability to read, write, understand and create. This topsy-turvy-ness also helps me organise my thoughts better and manage my time effectively. Today I wrote a 3500 word essay in 2 and a half hours like it was no thaang. Granted I had to do my thinking research beforehand, but actually organising it in my head and then typing it out barely took any time. I did a 2000 word essay in 4 hours once, research included, got an A.
You’re a witch
Coolness, but the problem with my way of working is that it relies on an adrenaline rush that I have now become used to. Kind of like, oh I will be surprised by panic…and then you wait for the surprise, aware of the surprise thus rendering the very notion of a surprise POINTLESS. Back in my first year the rush would hit me a day or two before my deadline. Today my deadline was at 8pm and I felt no blind panic until 5pm. It’s a dangerous thing and although my 3 years at university have allowed me to find peace with my flaws, one day I will destroy myself in the blind panic and possibly stab someone with a pencil.
Creative energies require that moment of actualisation where you are dull to the world around you and your thoughts are all you see. Moments like those are when you speak to your muse as a creator of works and have them speak through you. But they are fleeting.
Well you’re in a happy mood…
To work in the creative industries you need more than just the reliance on your natural talents. People don’t get where they are by relying only on talent, they learn to create a new framework altogether that uses talent as the fuel and hard work as the learned habit together to realise true potential.
Stop trying to be cool!
I ooze awesome and you know it
The realisation of your talents alone is the first step. I will need to apply focus but I refuse to apologise for my ability to not have negative stress. My peers all work harder than me in many ways and yet I must say I get fantastic grades, at times outshining them. To be honest, I feel no guilt for this. I have made my uselessness useful to me and that is a weird-ass achievement.
You may be able to tell I am in a fantastic mood today.
Sweet dreams you sexy thing!
If you’re more an email person, join my mailing list. I post weekly-ish. I promise I won’t spam you.
Or read some recent posts that I am quite proud of:
- Do you ignore your tea until it gets cold?3 min quickie about when your tea goes cold. Heavy journalistic stuff. Proceed with caution.
- I took a week off work, but it didn’t change my life.5 min read about expecting too much from yourself because #alwaysbehustlin’
- My Sunday evening: doomscrolling, taking offense and yogaQuickie 2 min read about that dread you feel every Sunday evening.
- Was Valentine’s Day even relevant in the pandemic?Defending Valentine’s Day for 7 minutes straight. 7 mins of reading I mean.
- What school assignment still haunts you? Mine is the Tiger EssayGorgeous 10 min read about a formative childhood experience. With #siblinggoals