Good evening everyone,
This’ll be a quickie… an emotion dump… a desperate catharsis to make me feel better and help me get to bed tonight. But you can stick around if you want. I’m not your mum.
I’m all craaaankyyy.
I spent the day looking at the to-do list I made last night and recognizing it for the pointless distraction it is. It won’t work Past Fia, I know you’re just trying to make me “productive” so I don’t think about the fact that my weekend is over and I am wasting my life.
Sorry, that’s a bit strong, I’m not wasting my life, I have a good life. I just tend to spiral every Sunday. I just… don’t want to go to school tomorrow. Sorry, work. I meant work. And no, this is not because I dislike my job. My job is fine. But I don’t wanna do it, you know? And not working is not the solution because if I take a week off from work I slither around the house like an aimless ghost booing at my husband from time to time. My to-do list gathering dust in my Pukka Pad…
The thing is that it’s all just a bit of a blah isn’t it? It’s a blah. I don’t feel it other days of the week because Friday is fine cos you’re about to get some free time and Monday isn’t too bad cos you get stuck in to the start of your week. In between is basic, but doable. But Sunday is like… you know when you draw a shitty circle and the end points overlap cos you’re shit at drawing circles? Those end points are Sunday.
Sunday is the day the veil lifts and you realise that your life is a shitty circle. And no amount of distracting hobbies from Saturday or fun breakfasts on Sunday will fix that. It just builds and builds throughout the week in the back of your mind and then boom! Sunday evening you’re sat doomscrolling on Reddit because Heaven forbid you go to sleep and admit defeat. And then everyone on Reddit is as pissy as you are about all kinds of things and instead of it being a cathartic release your mood just ages like a fine wine.
Also, I say you but I mean myself. I don’t know you. Maybe you’ve got a rich inner and outer life and are reading this feeling kinda crappy now. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make you feel bad. And I especially don’t want you to feel like this is absolutely true for you and there is no hope left. Let’s have a little yoga break.
I mean we can’t do yoga, this is not the medium for that. But we can talk about yoga?
I’ve been doing it on and off for a while as a kind of baseline maintenance of my health. People get a bit funny about yoga. Either it’s hailed as the much needed lightbulb moment in the damp basement of your life (like… it’ll give you so much mental clarity that your undiagnosed cancer will leave your body in shame) or it’s just sitting and breathing (we have thousands of years of people practicing it and improving upon it, but it took your gym bunny brain to figure out it’s all a fraud. Well done you.). The in-between crowd tend to laugh uncomfortably when forced to interact with either of the previous two crowds. And I say that because I am an in-betweeny. And I used to have this unfortunate tendency of over-emphasising the intensity of my yoga practice for the second crowd. You know I’d say things like, “Nah, I do the pretty intense yoga, lots of ab work and really hard pretzel poses, not the weird meditation stuff” when actually just touching my toes was a stretch. Or I’d go, “Yes…yes I do kinda feel my Chakras opening up…” when I most definitely didn’t. I am not the Avatar.
What can I say, I’m a basic people pleaser. I’m very centrist in how I talk to people. It might seem like I’m a pushover but really it’s just not worth sharing my opinions with everyone I meet. Which is why places like Reddit or YouTube with putrid comments make me wanna cry. But I still go to them because good comments are the best. You feel really connected to humanity when there’s a good comment thread of people being hilarious or friendly together.
I don’t think the issue is work or Sundays or doomscrolling. I don’t know if it’s even really an issue you know? Are you meant to be giddy every day of the week? I don’t think so… If so then man, am I messed up. I think emotions and thoughts fluctuate throughout a week and it might be a good idea to just take a step back and think about your week, anticipate things and act accordingly. Figure out ways to lift yourself out of crankiness. Build habits that help and if you mess up just try again or try something else. Nothing is necessarily static. Life is an everchanging puzzle that you’re putting together and providing that constant attention to yourself can be mentally tiring, especially if you’re trying to build a complex, detailed image. But it’s still kinda fun right?
I find journaling helps. Oh, and blogging. Stuff that’s too rubbish or repetitive or personal for the blog tends to go in the journal. Their powers combined build a healthy coping mechanism. Oh and to clarify, the yoga doesn’t help with this at all. It just makes me more bendy, which I like. It was an unrelated interlude.
Anyway enough about me. How are you? Do you like Sundays? Why? What’s wrong with you? Let me know in the comments or find me on Instagram or Facebook because apparently I should be plugging my social media instead of my mailing list.
Okay it’s bedtime. Byyeeee!
If you’re more an email person, join my mailing list. I post weekly-ish. I promise I won’t spam you.
Or read some recent posts that I am quite proud of:
- Do you ignore your tea until it gets cold?3 min quickie about when your tea goes cold. Heavy journalistic stuff. Proceed with caution.
- I took a week off work, but it didn’t change my life.5 min read about expecting too much from yourself because #alwaysbehustlin’
- My Sunday evening: doomscrolling, taking offense and yogaQuickie 2 min read about that dread you feel every Sunday evening.
- Was Valentine’s Day even relevant in the pandemic?Defending Valentine’s Day for 7 minutes straight. 7 mins of reading I mean.
- What school assignment still haunts you? Mine is the Tiger EssayGorgeous 10 min read about a formative childhood experience. With #siblinggoals