Are you climbing the walls? Has this weirdo moment of history changed you? This pandemic is unprecedented. Unless you’re an epidemiologist bellowing the biggest “I told you so!!” of your life. The rest of us didn’t see this coming. And it’s changed us.
“But how has it changed us?” I hear you ask.
What. has. happened?
Without being slaves to the establishment, without an office cubicle, without the school run, are we all just hibernating slugs?
Yes. Yes, we are. And now that we know this. We cannot un-know it.
This is the burden we now carry forward.
No, don’t make excuses. You are a slug. I am a slug. We are but sleep slugs masquerading as man.
2. Mental Health
Prior to our virus overlords’ arrival, we were beginning to make strides in recognising the fact that our brains can make us feel bad things and we should maybe try and understand this better. Also, we should maybe try to be less dickish to others? It hadn’t sunk in by any means but falling face first into a hole is the first step to knowing you need to fill that hole.
So, when the decision was made to begin spending virtually all our time within four walls, we got a bit worried. “What will this do to us?” we wondered, staring ominously into a nearby wall. For staring ominously into the horizon was no longer an option.
At first, we came together online. We made memes and began video chatting. We told our parents not to go outside and felt oddly powerful doing so. We thought, hey, why don’t I ever post on Reddit?
Then we took this further. We began reaching out to all of humanity. We extended our arms wide. Exes, that asshole from university, old bosses who fired us… all that past negativity we welcomed with open arms. In fact, why only humanity? Why not spread love to all?
As we read a bedtime story to our ever-growing collection of succulents, we feel a sense of peace. As we nurse the dust bunnies and beg their forgiveness for discarding them, we feel the full extent of raw human emotion. As we beam down at the small colony of crumbs on my kitchen floor, we feel at one with all creation.
We also cry a lot. Warm, salty tears.
3. Diet and Exercise
Many of us made the difficult choice to forgo buying essential food in favour of toilet roll. This was a choice that was made and those of you that made it should stand by it. Aren’t your bums shiny?
Some of us thought differently and instead bought all the pasta and baked beans. I dunno what meal y’all are eating.
But all of us have entered a solid routine. It goes something like this:
2pm: Wake up. Open fridge. Eat something, maybe with bread. Could have a cheeky pudding too.
3pm: Start day. Work, sort stuff, clean stuff (not actually but kind of… move things around until they look better).
3:07pm: Open fridge. Stare. Eat something – maybe biscuits or crackers if feeling desperate.
3:10pm: Forgot to make a cup of tea for the biscuits. Make a cup of tea.
3:50pm: Need to let someone know you’re alive and well. Maybe phone mum while scrolling Instagram.
5pm: ooh nearly time for dinner. Have a banana to celebrate. With yoghurt. Then cream. Then double cream. Let’s have some chips while we think of what to have for dinner. Put pizza in oven. Watch the daily update goons on the BBC and judge everyone and everything. Why don’t journalists have decent webcams?
5:25pm: Dinner. Dessert. Snack. Sorry, snacks.
6:00pm: Bugger, forgot to exercise.
6:05pm: Can still touch my toes so I’m good.
8:00pm: Open fridge. Snack.
9:00pm: Open fridge. Snack.
10:00pm: Okay, will sleep in half an hour. Day a bit wasted but hey-ho. Let’s make a quick shopping list. And a to do list. Will deffo go for a walk tomorrow. Maybe even a run. A full hour. Need exercise.
Here’s our concern with this.
Premise: We spend a certain number of hours with someone until you’re sick of them.
Action: Spend a lifetime with the someone but for specific hours only. Other hours spend at work, with friends, with other people and doing other things. Without the someone.
He’s going to proofread this so a husband-specific disclaimer: I love yoooooou! You’re perfect. This is just for the blog. You’re the absolute best. You’re the exception to all rules. And so handsome.
So, what if we’re using up our quota of relationship time? What if we’re losing relationship years? Like…the relationship equivalent of smoking? We’re shaving off years from our relationships.
We’re all spending a lot of time looking deep into the souls of those we live with. I mean it’s all good but… we chose this. This is our life. These are the people we live with. Why? Why is this? Not upset, just wondering. No seriously, we love you all, but WHY? Why you?
Who are we? Who are any of us?
It’s okay. It’s good. We’re good. But just… you know, it’s worth thinking about.
5. Personal Grooming
No, seriously, this is gone. Gone.
Hands are clean though. Stopped picking our faces.