What’s that? I haven’t posted in a while? I talked about an exam and then disappeared? Yes.
I despise winter.
My body is rioting against me in every way it knows how. I have random food cravings, I can’t sleep and then I sleep too much, my skin is awful, I am sad all the time and I don’t care about anything. And I have to deal with my partner who is exactly the same.
This wasn’t the case in the run up to my exam, which took place on the 2nd of December. I was very worried about it but I think I did enough to pass. Since getting home that day, nothing has been the same. The floodgates of misery have opened and I am awash with all the lethargy that comes with a British winter.
And Christmas doesn’t help because the government is busy playing with the public as if we were a yo-yo. And every time we say,
Hang on, you can’t just erratically change things! You need to think about us and all the plans we’ve made that you told us to make.
“Oh, you want people to DIE do you? Big fan of VIRUSES are you?”
No, of course not BoJo, I just haven’t seen my mum in months and you said I could. Like.. a couple of weeks ago.
“PEOPLE ARE DYING FIA!”
Yes… yes they are… sorry. But weren’t you yelling about how cancelling Christmas is abhorrent..
“AND THERE’S A NEW STRAIN TOO SOMEHOW!”
And then I cry for two hours.
I grew up in the Middle East. Winter is not something I was ever fully aware of growing up. Snow was soft and magical and only around during cheerful Christmas scenes in movies. What you were never told was the biting cold that came before snowfall. How snow makes you fall flat on your arse at least once a week. And how muddy, sloppy and icy it can be. And even without snow, even indoors with the heating on, I feel like I live in a dollhouse and the giant little girl who plays with me keeps putting me back in the toybox at 3pm because I bore her. It is so dark outside.
I hate it.
The lethargy is the true enemy though. I have not cared this little about anything all year. The sheer indifference I feel towards my loved ones, myself and you. I just don’t care. Why do people care? Caring is so hard. And pointless. I feel like every major anime villain was just someone who came from far north of the equator. I get nihilistic, eat a croissant then cry because I’m all pudgy now. (Apparently weight gain is something I DO care about)
You know, in the UAE during Ramadan, when everyone fasts, we’d get a different school schedule to account for how hard fasting is. And I know we have Daylight Savings here but it does bugger all and was a terrible idea that needs to end. There should be something… some kind of national acceptance that December is awful and we all hate it and we need a break. And I guess Christmas is supposed to be that thing. But Christmas comes more from a tradition of… let’s kill our animals and eat them because it’s winter and crops aren’t growing. Also gifts. Also plan a party. Also send cards. Money money money. It does not help my lethargy.
But that’s not my concern. I buy gifts for people year ’round. I write nice cards and do all the good stuff. What I need is a societal acceptance that I need to hibernate in this month and for this work-shy guilt to go away. I just want to be in a duvet, writing my memoirs with no disturbance and a daily tray of biscuits and chocolate milkshake with a lactase pill passed through a catflap in my door. Also a cat. I want a cat. The cat will bring the biscuits.
Because I despise winter.
But I don’t despise you and I am sorry I have been away and regular weekly posting will now resume. I usually post on a Friday so you have some nonsense to kickstart your weekend. I am still working on my follow-up to the sleep post I wrote a while back. Still trying out the journaling and the sleep app… but as you can probably tell, winter is winning and I haven’t managed to gain any real consistency.
If you’re more an email person, join my mailing list. I post weekly-ish. I promise I won’t spam you.
Or read some recent posts that I am quite proud of:
- Do you ignore your tea until it gets cold?3 min quickie about when your tea goes cold. Heavy journalistic stuff. Proceed with caution.
- I took a week off work, but it didn’t change my life.5 min read about expecting too much from yourself because #alwaysbehustlin’
- My Sunday evening: doomscrolling, taking offense and yogaQuickie 2 min read about that dread you feel every Sunday evening.
- Was Valentine’s Day even relevant in the pandemic?Defending Valentine’s Day for 7 minutes straight. 7 mins of reading I mean.
- What school assignment still haunts you? Mine is the Tiger EssayGorgeous 10 min read about a formative childhood experience. With #siblinggoals